Hello best friends! Katy A only starts watching this show when the home town dates happen, so we decided to change up the format and watch it together.
Nick’s Date in Milwaukee
Katie: Do you think them meeting at the cheese counter is a liiiiiitle stereotypical?
Katy: That's my favorite place in Milwaukee...and all cities. What kind of denim leather crisis is he wearing?
Katie: Unless it's intentional, Nick might want to stop wearing ladies jackets.
[Nick and Andi try to dance to a polka band]
Katy: "THIS IS FUN WHAT AM I DOING.” Been there.
Katie: Totally, I was also having dance floor PTSD.
Katy: …camera pans out and there's only 7 people in an enormous empty beer hall.
[Nick and Andi go visit his enormous family]
Katy: I only tune in at hometowns because I love, love, love sh*tty family dynamics. It's the best part of the Batch.
Katie: How terrified would you be if you walked in on a family posed like that on a couch?
Katy: That is just a wall of family. There's panic in her eyes. BTW, Nick’s mom is the Claire Underwood of Waukesha. Oooh, his big sister is going to call him out. “She's definitely your type" is not exactly a compliment is it? Maria calls bullshit. But wait, MARIA ISN’T WEARING PANTS. So she cancels herself out.
Katie: HAHAHA WHAT?????
Katy: Maria just grabbed the table runner from dinner and wrapped it around her neck. A+
Katie: I like how the producers were like, "Maria seems like a real ball buster, let's get her in there.”
Katy: AGAIN WHERE ARE HER PANTS? How awkward for EVERYONE.
[Andi and Nick are interviewed by his youngest sister, Bella]
Katy: I meaaaannnnn children are really truly useless. We're interviewing a child, why not the family dog? Just as useful.
Katie: 100%. She can remember none of what she LITERALLY just asked Andi about.
Katy: Bella is the #1 most popular dog name in America. FYI.
[Nick and Andi kiss goodbye in the driveway]
Katy: Someone should do a supercut of all the sad driveway goodbyes in the history of Bachelorette hometown visits.
Katy: ARLINGTON, pop. 758. Today? 759. THANKS ANDI.
Katie: Listen, she SHOULD be excited he drives a tractor, that's a REAL SKILL.
Katy: The tractor is the real panty dropper here, not Chris. I love, LOVE a good farming equipment disaster. FINGERS CROSSED. One of my ancestors died in a terrible cotton gin accident, true story.
Katie: Wait, what?
Katy: Ripped apart. Anyway. "Could I live in Iowa?" A question we all ask ourselves at some point. “What would I do here?" I.e., "do they have law in Iowa?" ANDI.
[A prop plane trailing a “Chris Loves Andi” sign flies by]
Katy: I would LOVE to know if his friend from high school is the pilot of the biplane, because probably. I dated a guy who looked VERY SIMILAR to him when I lived in NY.
Katie: WAIT WHO?
Katy: Holiday party, 2008, he worked at a bookstore on the Upper East Side, we went out for 99c pizza, he made me buy my own slice. Lolz I hate many of my choices.
[Andi and Chris go to meet his family]
Katy: Her mom is wearing a fanTAStic caftan
Katie: Well she looks like a sensible mom. He's a man with three sisters, which is a good sign.
Katy: Honestly someone did a trunk show of statement necklaces at SOMEONE'S house, not naming names (SISTERS).
[Andi and Chris’s mother talk privately]
Katie: OMG, this talk with the mom is super poignant. When she talks about falling in love with Chris’s dad when he would get out of the tractor and how there is stuff for women to do on a farm...#truth.
Katy: Ladyboners of Christmas past. Bless this mom and her french braid and her capris.
Katie: "You'd have beautiful children. I'd babysit for you.” Amazing.
Katy: She might be drunk.
Katie: The thing about how Andi has “gumption” does make me think that a little, yes. Now she’s saying she loves Andi, yes she is definitely drunk.
Katy: She sounds like what I sound like when I'm drinking, saying the same thing several times but phrased DIFFERENTLY as if I can fool people (no).
[Chris’s family plays hide and seek in the dark]
Katy: "You’re so smart [you just followed the cameras and found me]."
Katie: It was cute when he was like, "you're so smart!" when she found him.
[Chris walks Andi to her car in the driveway]
Katie: I wonder if he's actually big, or just if she's super tiny?
Katy: He is big. Big wang…?
Katie: You had to do it. But I do appreciate you, friend, I really do.
Katy: OK more sad driveway boners. Dammit I love this show.
Katy: She looks ameezing in those shorts.
Katie: Those shorts are very "Florida.” If she goes from Chris's date to this date and actually chooses Josh then I am OUT.
[Andi and Josh play baseball together]
Katy: Wait it has been SEVEN YEARS since he played pro baseball and his profession is still just "ex pro baseball player"? No really though, what is his job?
Katie: "DONT CHASE ME AROUND THE BASES, DON'T CHASE ME AROUND THE BASES" (that's what I would be saying out loud if I were her).
Katy: Note how they aren't showing any parts of Tampa except the snack shack behind them.
Katie: Tampa might mostly be snack shacks.
[Andi and Josh visit his family and they talk only about football]
Katie: How’d you like that ripoff Friday Night Lights music? I can hear that, ABC. I can hear that.
Katy: Already calling it: dinner is going to be all about Aaron [Josh’s little brother being drafted by the NFL].
Katie: Oh yeah, this is Aaron's date.
Katy: Aaron will be the next Bachelor.
Katie: There’s "one son going off to the NFL, one son...going off..." to nothing. To literally nothing.
Katy: If Josh were given the opportunity to kill Aaron, wear his skin suit, and start playing professional sports and NO ONE WOULD FIND OUT, Josh would do it in a heartbeat.
[The whole family plays football in the yard]
Katie: Dang, sister Stephanie didn't even get a mention ‘til now. That’s cause she gives too much real talk.
Katy: There’s not nearly enough Stephanie. Stephanie is wearing these excellent pants that are not getting nearly enough screen time. OMG SCREENSHOT AARON SHOVING STEPHANIE DURING THE FOOTBALL GAME I DIE.
[Marcus shows Andi around a “day in his life” and takes her to a strip club where he does a sexy striptease dance]
Katie: WTF is this? How is this "a day in his life?"
Katy: He said "don't wander off" in the strip club. DONT WANDER OFF typically means WANDER THE F**K OUT ANDI.
Katie: OMG, they blurred his balls, dude,
Katy: They blurred out his wang.
Katy: She said, "this is every girls dream." Bare skin on a vinyl booth. NOPE.
Katie: He is NO Chris.
[Marcus takes Andi to meet his family]
Katie: Conrad is such a German name.
Katy: Who is Conrad? I missed that.
Katie: His bro. Meaningless info, forget it this instant.
Katy: I get shades of Tammy Taylor from his sister.
Katie: For sure. Great wig.
Katy: When she says he’s a "caretaker" she means a weener, kinda, right? "I mean does that BUG you sometimes? In a way?"
Katie: Does it bug you that he's...overcaring? Because it bugs her.
Katy: This family is doomed.
[Marcus and his brother, Conrad, have a private talk and Marcus breaks down about their family’s past]
Katy: What troubles have you seen, Conrad?
Katie: Their mom visibly blanched when Andi told her Marcus had spilled the beans about his childhood.
Katy: This is some Teutonic baggage, some Ursula Heigi sh*t. Stones From The Dang River.
Katie: Oooh, I never read that.
[Marcus walks Andi to her ride in the driveway, still visibly upset]
Katy: He's out dude. He's OUT. He just blew it.
Katie: Her eyes are dead when she looks at him.
Katy: Get ready for sad driveway boners…aaaaand BOOM
Chris Harrison’s House
Katy: Just googled "where is Chris Harrison's house" so I could drive there,
[Chris delivers the news about Eric and the entire crew comes into the frame]
Katy: FOURTH WALL DOWN. LULULEMONS. GET OUT THE WAY, LULU.
Katie: THIS IS HAPPENING
Katy: CHRIS LOOKS GREAT.
Katie: Chris Harrison or Chris the farmer?
Katy: Farmer. He is positively burnished.
Katie: Well both, right? Chris Harrison = always. Other Chrises = sometimes.
[Marcus does not receive the rose]
Katie: Goodbye, sad Marcus.
Katy: As expected, Marcus' sadness will stretch onward and outward forever as was his post-Teutonic destiny.
Katie: The sorrows of young Werther (Marcus).
Katy: Goethe of Dallas.
Katie: He said he feels like he's being punched in the stomach over and over. "I don't know what to do from this point on because you were everything" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Katy: A joyous voice over chirps: "Next on The Bachelorette!" we've already forgotten you Marcus!
OK that was fun, let's do it again next week!