Here’s a lightning fast recap because no one, none of us, needs to be spending any more time on this show than we already do. If the theme of Episode 3 was “what choices did you make to get you here,” Episode 4’s is, “what choices did I make to spend this much time in a single week watching this show?”
The dubiously titled “around the world tour” continued after Santa Barbara with a one-on-one date on a steam train in Connecticut (“picking up steam,” etc.) with Dylan, the Ed Burns lookalike. Before boarding, Andi made a quick joke about how the date was going to be him shoveling coal into the engine and I swear to god you guys I fell for it 100% because that’s what happens in your third straight hour of watching this show. Wardrobe-wise, Andi displayed one of her two preferred necklines: plunging V (brave) and turtleneck (braver). Long story short, this ended up being one of the grossest produced segments of television I’d seen in a while: knowing Dylan’s family history, the producers purposely trapped them both in a train rolling through the landscape of his childhood for what seemed like hours of painstaking, tearful discussion. She gave him the rose, but had to bend over backward to assure him it was not because she felt sorry for him; luckily, he posed like a prom photo when she pinned it on his shirt and I was reminded of the true meaning of Christmas.
Right, next up! Gentlemen of this country and, indeed, the world over, hear this now: there is literally one play and one play only available to you when competing with professional female athletes. Here's a hint: it does not include bemused “props” that they “happened” to beat you. That it is still a thing that we as a culture pit average, semi-coordinated, former high school male athletes against trained female professionals is just…you know what, I’ve been watching too long.
I thought Brian would pull a Bradley who pulled a Craig—pride goeth before a fall, and whatnot—but the guy redeemed himself after his half-court nervous meltdown and Andi let him and bless. Marquel and Nick both said some funny things about winning the boy-on-boy game (notably, Marquel’s “go back to the hotel and eat some cereal or whatever it is that losers eat”). If it were up to me, this show would just come down to these two. Oh, and Cody, duh.
Here’s a conversation I’ve had every season of The Bachelorette: would I, if cameras were trained on my face and the whole world was watching me, jump out of a plane/bungee jump/repel off the side of a building? The answer is, every time, absolutely not, I would immediately ask to be driven home, even if I was the bachelorette and it ruined the entire production. During the slow, painstaking, 30-story crawl with Marcus down the side of the hotel I just kept thinking WHY IS SHE NEEDING TO TAKE DIRECTIONS FROM MARCUS?? IS HE THE EXPERT HERE?? I’m sorry, it does NOT seem like people on that set are equipped to take the necessary precautions, I’m just saying. And, although I personally can’t see it with Marcus, he did an admirable job dancing on the platform—a veritable prerequisite on this show! And please tell me, did he say “love” to her? I was busy googling Nick V. and missed it.
Was there not enough content this week that the producers had to fake a love note and film a sepia-toned flashback? Discuss.
Finally, the blow-up with Eric at the cocktail party. Look, we’ve seen hints of this all along with Eric—numerous indications that he believed, as a pretty earnest-seeming guy, there was some reality to be found on the show, which is not entirely on her. Previously, her solution was to continually ask him to “open up” more, which prompted an admirable command performance of his religious beliefs, but this time it wasn’t quite enough. When they started arguing about it, I was like ooh girls, this friend is tired. Andi's reaction was the meltdown you have the night before finals when you’ve just been eating cereal for days and wearing the same pair of underpants and your boyfriend decides it’s time to talk about how you don’t go on fun dates anymore. And like maybe you’re overreacting, but also maaaaaaybe just don’t mention the sweatpants I’m wearing because a. the performance of enthusiasm required of women in this society is a burden and b. I am so f*cking exhausted. Also, he’s drinking water, did we notice? I’m not saying she’s drunk, but water consumption is definitely the competitive edge in this game.
WHOA NO ROSE CEREMONY
All I’m going to say about this is: good decision not to play music during Chris Harrison’s Barbara Walters interview, ABC.
Also, Tasos went home.