Hello! How will I/we do this two nights in a row? For the three of you reading this, you can probably tell that I watch these the day after they come out (I don’t have cable) and then, you know, “reflect” for another day or so before writing them up. Impressed by my quick turnaround? What can I say, I follow the pace of this hectic, modern 24-7 news-cycle.
I guess there are 16 guys left, but I only know that because I was told as much on the ABC website and I guess I should trust them. I’ve decided the theme of this episode is “what have I done to deserve this publicity gambit at the expense of my own dignity?” From the Bacara Resort (which I can only assume has been the site of an unspeakably grisly crime to explain why it needs this paycheck) to Boyz II Men, this is an episode to make you reflect on the choices you’ve made in life, and how those choices might lead you to shill yourself and your business on The Bachelorette.
ROCKCLIMBING WITH A GLASS TUMBLER
I was excited for Nick’s date because I can tell they have chemistry and, as I said in a previous post, I think he’s going to be one of the final dudes. When he was shown receiving his date card at the mansion he was wearing a button down, but then when he showed up for his date he was in a blown-out henley. Did he not pack the right things? Did he not know that he was going on this date when the car picked him up? Also, have I told you I have severe packing anxiety? Thinking about what it would take to select and pack all of the outfits necessary for these weird activities makes me break out into a cold sweat. Not to jump ahead, but my suspicion that Nick has his own packing issues were confirmed when he showed up for dinner in a ladies trench coat with the collar popped.
So listen, here are all the things they did on their date: go to the beach, go on a bike ride, go on a hike, watch the sunset, drink wine AND THEN go on a nighttime dinner date. Can you imagine the stamina this required? In light of this, I think everyone has to cut Andi slack for using “stop!” as a knee-jerk conversational response because HONESTLY I could not do what she’s doing for as many hours as she’s doing it and feign interest so well. By the way, scrambling over boulders with a glass of chardo is not something I’ve done before, but it’s something I want to do now.
And can I just say, Nick seems a little too charmed by his own musings on love; does anyone else agree with me? I still like him, but I think it’s rather classless that he did the thing that all the bachelors without tragic life stories do on one-on-one dates when they need something to talk about (a prolonged and unnecessary throwing of the ex-girlfriend under the proverbial bus). He did a great thing, however, by maneuvering their heads away from the camera when they made out so we didn’t get an eyeful of groping tongues silhouetted against a crackling fire.
A MUSICAL PERFORMANCE FOR THE AGES 14-19
When the bachelors selected for the group date walked into the rehearsal space and saw Boyz II Men waiting for them on stage, one of them (Eric?) yelled out, “MAN I KNEW IT,” which is like… how? How would you ever guess that in a million years? Oh, and once again, I feel terrible for the Music Academy of the West and their development department. What devastating event happened in the world of conservatory grant writing and charitable giving this year that we don’t know about?
Lots of talking about comfort zones interspersed with quick cuts of wincing Boyz II Men members as the guys rehearsed for their performance of “I’ll Make Love to You.” Cody continued to be a shining star; we need MORE OF HIM. His enthusiasm is off the charts. Thank you Cody. With his characteristic lack of affect, Marcus, who is only 25, misidentified the era of Boyz II Men by calling them the band “we all grew up with,” and then proceeded to demonstrate that he knew neither the words nor the tune nor the rhythm of this supposed touchstone of adolescent memory.
Much as our friend Craig sealed his fate during last week’s group date, this week’s poor performance by Bradley, the opera singer, was an inevitability of Icarus-like proportions. All the ingredients were present to set up his imminent departure, from Josh’s naïve left-handed compliment (“Bradley is an opera singer so he has a leg up on everyone”) to the excessive camera time and declaration that “to not get a rose in my element like this would be really crushing.” It started to feel a little mean-spirited, to be honest.
A few moments stood out during the date’s second, evening session (does the DEA need to perform an audit of the ABC craft services table for distribution of illegal stimulants on set? I’m just thinking out loud here): when Cody seemed to believe he might have forgotten that he’s secretly dating a stripper after being pranked by Andi; when Marquel visibly blanched as Andi responded “black” in a too-sexy voice to his question about her favorite color; when Andrew made the kinda creepy comment about how he likes Andi because, unlike most women, she has no flaws; when Marcus and Andi kissed in that shady dark hallway; and when Eric pulled Andi aside to ask a very awkward, pointed question that betrayed his dawning realization that her interactions with him might not be 100% genuine.
We’re starting to get into the part of the season where the producers have cut the program to highlight the bachelors with featured storylines who are going to stick around, but of course the bachelors themselves don’t know this and so continue to play out their private melodramas in their own time-space continuum (as when Brian gets about 5 seconds of screen time to say, “you already have my whole heart.” Oof.).
Listen guys, Josh isn’t my type, but I like their chemistry, so for my friend Andi I will say yes to Josh and I’m glad she gave him the group date rose. At this point, I’ve got money on Josh, Eric, Nick, Marcus making it to home town dates.
IT’S US, BUT IN 50 YEARS, WHEN WE WILL LOOK BACK ON US NOW, DRESSED AS "OLD PEOPLE"
I can’t really spend any time on this nonsense except to say that people, in general, speak to older adults as if they are idiots and maybe this is something we should all be talking about. Oh, and also, for a good gag remind me to surprise my husband by putting a layer of latex on my upper lip and seeing if he notices.
YOU’LL NEED ANOTHER COCKTAIL, TRUST ME.
Between two abrupt musical transitions, Dylan told a remarkably sad story about a recent family tragedy that’s painful to watch because it’s told in the manner of real humans (halting and unrehearsed). Eric tried to make up for being awkward on the group date by being all “ooh yeah, I forgot to thank you for that first date,” and he’s handsome enough that she pretended to forget the previous interaction. I did lol when he disappointedly whispered, “I wish I was responsible for these” when Nick’s flowers arrived.
During the cocktail party, JJ got Josh to be his muscle in a confrontation with Andrew that has been recorded, rehearsed, and replayed on every previous season of this show (see Sc., "Right Reasons," Seas., 1-9). Luckily, Andrew read the script and knew immediately what was going to happen to him. He does get kudos for introducing “if I have to throw down, I will” as a plot variation, however unconvincing. If we didn’t already know Andrew was going to be the center of a scandale from next week's promo, we certainly figured it out from his numerous villain faces during the rose ceremony.
Will someone remind me if she kissed Eric? Otherwise: Josh, Nick, Marcus, JJ.
[*ed. note: I forgot about Chris]
WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE?
Here’s who is still here, I think, mostly:
Tasos, Marquel, Brian, Josh, Nick, JJ, Cody, Chris, Patrick, Eric, Dylan, Andrew
TAKE A MOMENT, SAY YOUR GOODBYES
Here’s who left:
Brett, who got no screen time so we had all silently said our goodbyes already.
Bradley, who wept upon being sent home and told us, “I love to be loved! And I love to love!” Oh bless him, I take it all back!!
See you tomorrow/today/what day is it anyways?