Hello best friends! Even though Andi frowned her way through this episode, I found much to smile about—did you? The producers tried to trick us with a lot of dramatic music, but we knew better. This week’s episode was the kind of manufactured hysteria and human absurdity I look forward to on The Bachelorette, and I have to say I needed it after last week. Perhaps I was tickled from the outset because they kept showing promos with Andi solemnly wearing a Venetian mask, I don’t know, but this episode was way better than the last.
So first off, who thought that when the secret admirer thing got trotted out again we were going to find out it was from Chris Harrison. Just me?
Episode 6 was in Venice, a city with no reluctance to enact any number of stereotypes of itself for the sake of American reality television tourism. We didn’t get too far into the episode before being treated to the now familiar tragi-comedy of pre-determined bachelor failure with Cody’s declaration: “today’s my day!” LITERALLY SECONDS before Nick crushed his heart by receiving the first one-on-one date. At this point I have stopped feeling sorry for Cody because my sympathy is reserved for bachelors with enough self-awareness to realize when they’ve become cannon fodder. Sure, it’s a little unfair—he can’t tell that the producers will later soundtrack his interviews with curious cat music—but I still sort of blame him for what seems to be willful naiveté.
I love that hat!/Is that a pigeon on your head?
Nick went on the one-on-one date because he needed to be appraised of Andi’s frowny face in a gondola for 8 hours while he talked circles around how badly he f*cked up on his last date. BTW, if ever there was a demonstrable way to “not be salty” after a group date where you dressed as a mime in public it would definitely be letting a dirty pigeon in St. Mark’s square land on your head while being filmed on national television. Has he clawed his way back yet? Still not sure.
And can I just say that my mouth dropped open when Andi pronounced that it was probably “shallow” of her to care if the other guys on the show like Nick (notably, all the bachelors are united against him). Positive interaction with real human beings is literally the ONE sensible metric you can rely on to judge contestants on this show!! We can pretty much guarantee that the bachelors are lying to Andi’s face on their dates, but they are probably not credible enough to fool an entire house full of people. It was one of those moments, like in a horror movie, where you yell, “don’t go in the basement!” only it’s Nick and he’s approaching in a gingham shirt with a pigeon on his head.
After dinner (but before the Italian troubadours silently pissed themselves while Andi and Nick kissed in carnival masks), Nick lost the final bit of credibility he had with me by telling Andi that he is falling in love. Not incidentally, my sister texted me to say she felt that Nick was beginning to resemble a human Muppet. Not in action, necessarily, but looks. I tend to agree here.
Better to just lie if they ask about bathroom habits
First question about the group date: did Andi break her arm? Why was she wearing a Hermés sling?
Second question: Chris is sort of a dark, Iowan horse, huh? Obviously I am easily manipulated by good editing AND I KNOW THAT IS WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE, but I am starting to feel that Chris is the man of the hour now that Marquel is gone. Discuss.
Right, so on the group date all of the guys have to take a lie detector test from two dudes who are clearly hosts of an Italian game show playing an elaborate candid camera gag for their own late night program.
Is a lie detector test that stressful? It seemed to be. JJ had a full-on meltdown (“I never lie/well that’s a lie/in my past occasionally I’ve lied/I’m not a liar-liar/is that a lie???”). Then JOSH had a meltdown, too, though one suspects it’s for the opposite reasons as JJ. This bachelor doth protests too much: “why do you have to do this if you trust someone?/in a real relationship you can’t just give a lie detector/what if there’s something to explain and they won’t let you?/I don’t even want to read her results,” ad nauseum. The cruelest blow was when Dylan was asked in rapid succession if he had slept with over 20 women (he thought twice: yes) and if he washes his hands after he uses the bathroom (zero pause: no). Right after the test he ran off, claiming to be sick. I’ve used that trick before, Dylan. In the end, the guys read Andi’s results and she ripped up theirs WHICH WAS A HUGE MISTAKE.
Oh, and do you think Dylan’s stomachache “magically” disappeared when she threw away the results, hmmm?
Meanwhile, back at the resort, Nick and Cody glowered at each other in a sauna made of pink salt bricks with a soft-core porn soundtrack playing in the background.
When the group date rejoined for the evening, all the lads were still skittish. I wanted to remind Brian that the fake lie detector test he devised as a gambit to makeout with Andi was not a real lie detector test (because he just invented it?). And also, how on earth can Marcus be in love with Andi if all they did was repel off a building a month ago? That is not a thing. At some point Andi cried, I think because of Josh, and it was like, see girl??? You shouldn’t have ripped up the results.
By the end of the evening, Chris became the frontrunner for me, which was SURPRISING because of the secret admirer letters—much like being held hostage by an unrequested acoustic guitar performance in a dorm room, the reading of love letters is an instant DQ in my book. Possibly, however, my issue is the reading aloud of letters, poetry, et. al., not the actual writing of them. Thank you for enabling this moment of self-discovery, Chris. Also, I love a man who uses bad language. He’s checking numerous boxes.
"Juliet! Juliet!" And that’s all I've got
Regarding Andi and Cody’s one-on-one date in Verona: everyone knows Juliet is a fictional character, right? At the Juliet Castle (or what is that place?) Cody betrayed some deep cultural knowledge by calling up to Andi on a balcony, “Juliet, Juliet!…” and that is all. Then they read some plant letters from producers about unrequited love. When Cody read one out loud it felt a little like Andi was congratulating him on his literacy. It felt a little mean, is all I'm saying.
Right down to it, you guys: my boy Cody went on a rampage with his feelings and ran himself right off a cliff. First it was a declaration of how awesome it would be to spend time together, ok fine, but the escalation of pent up excitement was quick and brutal. When he got going on how he was going to take her home to his parents I was curled up in a ball with both arms over my head yelling “stop stop stop.” Managing to read none of her facial expressions or notice the tears of guilt streaming down her face, he KEPT GOING until she had to cut him off; even then he seemed happy, if a bit perplexed.
When Cody got into the limo to go home my husband yelled out YA BURNT from the other room. I guess he was paying attention after all?
More being-resentful-of-Nick at the cocktail party—on a similar note, is it a good or bad sign that the bad porn music followed Nick from the salt sauna to his makeout party with Andi in that private room?
What Nick has done is whip all the dudes into a frenzy: before, she could enter a room safely, but now they are all so nervous about him “pulling her aside” first that she doesn’t even get through the threshold before they start shouting “I love you!” and yanking her into ever more private rooms covered in silky, jewel-tone pillows.
Josh is acting like a brat, you guys! Berating her for the lie detector date STILL! Talking over her STILL! And frankly, I’m confused about what he’s pissed off about anyways: the group date, the cocktail party, the rose ceremony? Every occasion he’s been cranky about something. Josh is testing my patience.
We're getting close to the fantasy suite!!!
Giving Dylan and Brian roses made it WAY easier if any of y’all are in a betting pool.
Here’s who she sent home:
Cody, who shined bright like a diamond until he imploded.
JJ, who has to pack all his pants and fly back to America.
I believe the fantasy suite will be populated by: Chris, Nick, and Marcus. Thoughts?